It’s 1:45 in the morning. I’m laying here wide awake. I’m scrunched onto my edge of our bed. Our daughter is asleep, glued to my side. Earlier, she was latched on and nursing.

I watched a spider crawl across the ceiling. I tried to get her released so I could scramble up and kill it, but she instantly began yowling so I put her back on. My husband stayed asleep. I watched the spider move out of my line of site. We sleep in our camper trailer. There are cabinets over our bed. The spider moved toward the cabinets.

When she let go a few minutes later, I quickly moved to get my phone, turn its flashlight on and look. My husband woke for that. He asked me what was going on and I let him know.

I didn’t find the spider.

My side of our bed is messy. Baby changing pads, diapers, the diaper bag, my makeshift purse, a small trashcan, little odds and ends. There are a lot of places for that spider to hide, including inside the cabinets themselves.

The spider’s hiding defeats my will.

At this point all I do is move our daughter, squish myself back into my spot and write this. I hope none of us get bit. I recognize we’ve been sleeping out here 4 whole months without any spider bites. I know the odds of this spider having any interest in biting any of us is low. I know it was most likely a wolf spider and probably more of a help to us than a threat, but still, I am anxious that I didn’t find it.

One of the last things any of us needs is a damn spider bite to be healing over. We’re all tired. I feel unsafe enough already.

I miss our home where we had a strong collection of daddy long legs spiders. We let them set up shop in the corners of our rooms. There was enough space for us to stay out of each other’s way. They ate lots of invaders. We loved them. We had a good relationship. I only saw 1 or 2 spiders of a different species in the house and they didn’t stick around.

This is different. Our space is so small here that I feel like we’re in striking distance. Also, these are wolf spiders, not daddy long legs. Their bite could be much worse for us. We would want to seek treatment, but then there’s the fear of going to the urgent care or hospital and catching covid in addition to everything else. Their presence feels like an invasion.

It’s easy for my fear to spiral these days.

My husband is back to snoring. My daughter settled on her tummy and is asleep next to me. I feel how wet her diaper is and I’m trying to decide if I should roll her over and change it or let her stay asleep, keep the freedom to lay on my back a bit longer and risk her wetting the bed.

Unfortunately, it is a very full diaper.

Ugh. I think I’m going to chance letting her sleep; grateful for the small blessing that breastfed baby pee is practically water.