Touched Out

I knew it would happen when I made the decision to get pregnant: the feeling I’m ready to have my body back for a while.

I love my daughter. I delivered her almost 6 months ago. I know she’s only going to be little enough to hold for such a small time in our lives, so I hold her every chance I get. I mean, every chance. She eats in my arms, sleeps in my arms, plays on my lap. My husband feels the same way, so I share, and he holds her as often as he is able.

I’ve reached the first wall. I’m ready for a two day break. If covid wasn’t here, this wouldn’t be such a big deal. We have a large family that would love to take turns taking care of and holding her, but covid has shrunk our physical world to just the 3 of us and our dog.

I told my husband early in the day that I am feeling this way. He stepped up as best he could. It was definitely a big help to me, but, I’m breastfeeding her exclusively, so she still ended up in my arms every hour. It’s right for her to be here, in my arms, but I really want to polish my toe nails. I meant to today, but I didn’t get to it.

Instead, I wrote, I played games on my phone, I spent time on Facebook, I scrubbed the shower and sink in our camper trailer. I took a quick drive to pick up some veggies and baby clothes from some friends we miss. I ate Cheetos and and ice cream sandwich.

There are minutes in between her attention sessions. She’s starting to see so much. She’s so smart. She already hates our phones. How dare we touch anything other than her and our dog? I love this about her, however inconvenient it may be for me.

I know the time will come when my body is my own again. I know I will enjoy it, but I am not foolish. I know I will miss her closeness. While I’m touched out at the moment, I know I will come around and not feel this way for long.